Man Retrieves Wife for Anniversary
Ralph and Janice were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and Pastor Jones decided to take advantage of their longevity by using their story as a sermon illustration. He asked Ralph to come on stage and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
Ralph turned to the congregation and said, “Well, I treated her with respect and spent money on her—but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The pastor asked, “Trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary,” Ralph answered, “I took her to Beijing, China.”
The crowd nodded and murmured in appreciation. When things quieted down, the pastor winked and said: “What a terrific example you are to husbands, Ralph. So, tell us where you’re going now for your 50th anniversary?”
Ralph replied, “I’m going to go back and get her.”
Bad Thinking
Three old men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor said to the first old man, “What is one plus one?”
“Two hundred seventy-four,” he replied.
The doctor said to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is one plus one?”
“Tuesday,” replied the second man.
The doctor said to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s one plus one?”
“Two,” said the third man.
“That’s great!” said the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Simple,” said the third man. “I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
Laughing babies!!
Merie sent Teri and I the link to a hilarious video with some babies laughing. I think you will really enjoy it. Click here to view it.
On the Lighter Side…
Okay, these are corny, but here goes…
NOAH
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to “Go forth and multiply!” He’s closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.” “We can’t,” said the snakes. “We’re adders.”
WIVES
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
Golf Humour
A GOLF FUNNY
A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the red ladies tee
on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his
backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: “Would the
man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the
men’s tee?!”
He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his
ball.
The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, “Will the man
hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the
white, men’s tee?!
At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on
his mouth he hollered, “Will the man in the clubhouse please be
quiet, so I can take my second shot?!”
After the Sermon…
I am glad this never happens in our church! 
My Mother Taught Me About…
I thought this was good. I found it on http://www.ahajokes.com/fp047.html.
My Mother Taught Me About…
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the shop with me.”
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”
7. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.”
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
And last but not least…
12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you’ll see what it’s like!”
A Bit of Craic!
BEAUTIFUL
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute!”
The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”
She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off”
OLD FRED
Old Fred’s hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn’t look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.
At Fred’s funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he’s wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. “
Fred handed me a note just before he died,” he says. “I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration in it for us all.”
Opening the note, he reads aloud, “Help! You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
