Northwest News!

The article garnered a fair amount of attention and there were plenty of comments and trackbacks. I was surprised to see that most people who commented actually agreed with me. A few took the other side. One called me a neo-puritan. I kind of like that, so feel free to call me that whenever you like. I’ve been called far worse!

Yesterday I was finishing up Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God by C.J.

Mahaney. While the book is written primarily for and about men, the final chapter is written by the author’s wife, Carolyn, and is targetted at women. Carolyn wrote a section called “Make No Provision for the Flesh”

which seemed appropriate to this topic. I will provide a few paragraphs for your reading enjoyment:

“But now your family is finally asleep, and you want to escape from all the unpleasantness of your day. So you flip on the TV ‘just to see what’s on.’ A show piques your interest, and you pause with your finger on the remote. Although you know this program can be vulgar at times, it’s the only amusing thing on, and you think you deserve a little leisure time.

You promptly dismiss your conscience and settle down to enjoy yourself.

“This scenario I’ve just described may or may not be a familiar temptation to you. Regardless, Scripture teaches that we all have areas where we are susceptible. In Romans 13:14 we read: ‘Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.’ In response to this verse, each of us needs to ask: When, where, and with whom are we most tempted to accomodate our flesh and gratify its desires?

“Now I am not insinuating that rest or leisure activities are sinful.

God’s Word actually requires us to rest, and there are many God-honoring activities that provide us with refreshment!

“However, I am insisting from God’s Word that we never indulge our sinful desires in our recreational pursuits. For example, we should not read anything, view anything, or listen to anything that arouses impure thoughts or compromises our biblical convictions. That would be sinful!

“Observe David’s commitment in Psalm 101:2-3 (NIV): ‘I will walk in my house with blameless heart. I will set before my eyes no vile thing.’ The psalmists resolve was sweeping - no vile thing. Notice also that David determined to walk with a blameless heart at home. As Charles Spurgeon once said: ‘What we are at home, that we are indeed.’

“So can we say like David, ‘I will walk in my house with blameless heart’?

Have we purposed not to see, read, or hear any vile thing? Or are we taking liberties where we shouldn’t? Do we watch any unwholesome movies or television programs? Do we read worthless materials - such as romance novels or magazines - that tempt us to sinful fantasies? Do we listen to ungodly music that stirs up impure thoughts? If we answered yes to any one of these three questions, we must expunge these practices from our lifestyle” (pages 113-114).

I think Carolyn speaks with great wisdom. Perhaps she is a fellow neo-Puritan. When we watch movies or participate in other recreational activities, no matter what they be, do we do so from a desire to heed God’s requirement that we rest, or do we do so from impure motives? Do we do so to indulge our sinful desires? Just a couple of days ago I wrote an article which examined the depth of my own depravity and my own propensity towards evil. Evil always seems to draw me to itself. When I watch movies, do I watch them to indulge these sinful desires which are always lurking just under the surface of my life? Am I drawn to movies by my old man, or by the new man?

Can I say with David that I have a blameless heart and that I have set before my eyes no vile thing? Or do I purposely, recklessly set before my eyes all manner of vile things and perhaps even do so in the name of growth and godliness? Is it possible for me to put on the Lord Jesus and to make no provision for the flesh, while at the same time I seek to indulge my flesh? What I am at home, that is what I am indeed. What I am in the darkness of a movie theatre is what I am indeed. What I am when no one is looking is a clear indication of my character and the extent of my pursuit of godliness. What do these moments say about me?

Here is an article that I thought all of us should be concerned about.  We need to followed the Bible teachings about marriage and the family, so that we have strong homes, strong churches, and consequently strong nations.

Family life is in meltdown and tackling the crisis should top the Government’s agenda, a senior judge has warned.

Mr Justice Coleridge, a Family Division judge, told a conference of family lawyers in Brighton:
“What is certain is that almost all of society’s social ills can be traced directly to the collapse of the family life.”

Family breakdown, he told delegates, is as serious as economic decline, terrorism and street crime in terms of its threat to British society, and is “…on a scale, depth and breadth which few of us could have imagined even a decade ago”.

Speaking of children caught up in drink, drugs and school truanting he said: “Scratch the surface of these cases and you invariably find a miserable family, overseen by a dysfunctional and fractured parental relationship - or none at all.”

“I am not saying every broken family produces dysfunctional children,” he added, “but I am saying that almost every dysfunctional child is the product of a broken family.”

“What is government doing to recognise and face up to the emerging situation? The answer is: very little and nothing like enough. It is fiddling whilst Rome burns.”

While the judge identifies family breakdown as a root cause of social harm, he appears to support recommendations which would further undermine marriage.

He favours giving cohabiting couples legal rights on separation, enforceable pre-nuptial agreements, and reform of divorce law to remove the “fault”
element from the process.

Mike Judge, Head of Communications at The Christian Institute, said: “Some think the mechanism of a family breakdown, rather than the fact of it, is what causes the damage. They want family breakdown to be made quick and easy to reduce the harm. But evidence continually points to the fact of family breakdown being a key component in social damage.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Children, Families and Schools said: “We do not agree that there has been a breakdown in the family - 70% of families are headed by a married couple and a recent BBC poll suggests that three-quarters of people in Britain are optimistic about the future of their families, 24% higher than when the same question was asked in 1964.”

However, recent figures from the Office of National Statistics show that one in four children now lives with a lone parent, while the proportion of all children living in a single parent family has almost doubled over the last 20 years.

Lone parents were found to be the most likely to be living in ‘poor quality environments’, with their children making up over a third of all those living in poverty.

I just read a good article on How Parents Provoke Their Children, and I wanted to include the text here:

(By John MacArthur)

In Ephesians 6:4, Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” In our series these last two weeks, we’ve looked at both discipline (specifically, spanking) and instruction (specifically, evangelism). Today, we will look at the command to not provoke.

To “provoke . . . to anger” suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep–seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility.

Such treatment is usually not intended to provoke anger. Here are eight ways in which parents can provoke their children to anger:

1) Well–meaning overprotection is a common cause of resentment in children. Parents who smother their children, overly restrict where they can go and what they can do, never trust them to do things on their own, and continually question their judgment build a barrier between themselves and their children—usually under the delusion that they are building a closer relationship. Children need careful guidance and certain restrictions, but they are individual human beings in their own right and must learn to make decisions on their own, commensurate with their age and maturity. Their wills can be guided but they cannot be controlled.

2) Another common cause of provoking children to anger is favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob and Rebekah preferred Jacob over Esau. That dual and conflicting favoritism not only caused great trouble for the immediate family but has continued to have repercussions in the conflicts between the descendants of Jacob and Esau until our present day! For parents to compare their children with each other, especially in the children’s presence, can be devastating to the child who is less talented or favored. He will tend to become discouraged, resentful, withdrawn, and bitter.

Favoritism by parents generally leads to favoritism among the children themselves, who pick up the practice from their parents. They will favor one brother or sister over the others and will often favor one parent over the other.

3) A third way parents provoke their children is by pushing achievement beyond reasonable bounds. A child can be so pressured to achieve that he is virtually destroyed. He quickly learns that nothing he does is sufficient to please his parents. No sooner does he accomplish one goal than he is challenged to accomplish something better. Fathers who fantasize their own achievements through the athletic skills of their sons, or mothers who fantasize a glamorous career through the lives of their daughters prostitute their responsibility as parents.

I once visited a young woman who was confined to a padded cell and was in a state of catatonic shock. She was a Christian and had been raised in a Christian family, but her mother had ceaselessly pushed her to be the most popular, beautiful, and successful girl in school. She became head cheerleader, homecoming queen, and later a model. But the pressure to excel became too great and she had a complete mental collapse. After she was eventually released from the hospital, she went back into the same artificial and demanding environment. When again she found she could not cope, she committed suicide. She had summed up her frustration when she told me one day, “I don’t care what it is I do, it never satisfies my mother.”

4) A fourth way children are provoked is by discouragement. A child who is never complimented or encouraged by his parents is destined for trouble. If he is always told what is wrong with him and never what is right, he will soon lose hope and become convinced that he is incapable of doing anything right. At that point he has no reason even to try. Parents can always find something that a child genuinely does well, and they should show appreciation for it. A child needs approval and encouragement in things that are good every bit as much as he needs correction in things that are not.

5) A fifth way provocation occurs is by parents’ failing to sacrifice for their children and making them feel unwanted. Children who are made to feel that they are an intrusion, that they are always in the way and interfere with the plans and happiness of the parents, cannot help becoming resentful. To such children the parents themselves will eventually become unwanted and an intrusion on the children’s plans and happiness.

6) A sixth form of provocation comes from failing to let children grow up at a normal pace. Chiding them for always acting childish, even when what they do is perfectly normal and harmless, does not contribute to their maturity but rather helps confirm them in their childishness.

7) A seventh way of angering children is that of using love as a tool of reward or punishment—granting it when a child is good and withdrawing it when he is bad. Often the practice is unconscious, but a child can sense if a parent cares for him less when is he disobedient than when he behaves. That is not how God loves and is not the way he intends human parents to love. God disciplines His children just as much out of love as He blesses them. “Those whom the Lord loves He disciplines” (Heb. 12:6). Because it is so easy to punish out of anger and resentment, parents should take special care to let their children know they love them when discipline is given.

An eighth way to provoke children is by physical and verbal abuse. Battered children are a growing tragedy today. Even Christian parents—fathers especially—sometimes overreact and spank their children much harder than necessary. Proper physical discipline is not a matter of exerting superior authority and strength, but of correcting in love and reasonableness. Children are also abused verbally. A parent can as easily overpower a child with words as with physical force. Putting him down with superior arguments or sarcasm can inflict serious harm, and provokes him to anger and resentment. It is amazing that we sometimes say things to our children that we would not think of saying to anyone else—for fear of ruining our reputation!

In closing, consider the confession of one Christian father,

My family’s all grown and the kids are all gone. But if I had to do it all over again, this is what I would do. I would love my wife more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more—at our mistakes and our joys. I would listen more, even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection. I would pray differently for my family; instead of focusing on them, I’d focus on me. I would do more things together with my children. I would encourage them more and bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, like deeds and words of thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had to do it all over again, I would share God more intimately with my family; every ordinary thing that happened in every ordinary day I would use to direct them to God.

(Today’s article adapted from John’s commentary on Ephesians, published by Moody.)

Grant is now 3 years old!  We celebrated his birthday today.  He is truly a miracle.  Three years ago, we had a big surprise when Grant was born 12 weeks early.  That night three years ago, we were not even sure that he was going to live.  He was 3 lb, 5 oz when he was born.   You can see a picture below.  After 10 weeks in the hospital, he was able to go home.  God blessed him and now he is a strong, healthy boy.  He still struggles with his walking some, but he is progressing very well.  Thanks for praying for him.  We will never forget the outpouring of support, prayers, and love for us at the time of his birth and hospital stay.

Below are some pictures of him, as well as you can click here to see a video of him opening presents this morning.  Thank you for the nice words our pastor had to say about Grant, and thank you to all those who sent cards and emails.

April 5, 2005

April 5, 2006

April 5, 2007

April 5, 2008

I read this here and thought it would be helpful to all those married folks and those who are considering marriage.

#1 - Unrealistic Expectations

When a person goes into a marriage thinking the following…there is trouble on the way…

“I know he/she isn’t exactly what I want right now–but marriage will change them.”  (Hint–if you aren’t ready to commit to them as they are–DON’T COMMIT!)

• “This person will make me happy.”
• “I know he/she cheats on me now, but when we get married they will stop.”
• “I know he/she talks to me like I am garbage right now, but when we get married they will see the value in me.”
• “We’re going to have sex ALL OF THE TIME!”  (Singles–marriage is about A LOT more than just sex!)

#2 - Ignoring The “Gut Check” Before The Marriage. 

I have spoken to lots of people who have unfortunately experienced divorce–and nearly every single one of them, when I pressed down on the issue, has said that they knew before they got married that they should not have–but wanted to go ahead and go through with it to save themselves from the embarrassment.

If you KNOW it’s wrong–better a little embarrassment now than a lot of pain later.

#3 - Unwillingness To Work Through Issues

Married couples have their issues–that is just the way it is; however, the people you know that have strong marriages work through their issues.  They talk honestly and openly with one another–they hold true to Ephesians 4:26-29.

Once again–they talk TO ONE ANOTHER, not ABOUT ONE ANOTHER.  They don’t go to their Bible study, accountability partner to bash their spouse…they sit down like a real man and woman and work it out!

#4 - The Other Person Become Unimportant

When work, hobbies or the kids replace the importance of the spouse then bad times are sure to follow.  It’s work…but the marriage MUST remain the most important relationship on the planet.

#5 - The Greener Grass Syndrome

When a man/woman begins looking at “other options” and fantasizing about them–THAT is always trouble.  The line between fantasy and reality become blurred…and often lines are crossed because a person will think, “I’ve done it wrong in this marriage…but he/she is my chance to start over and it will be wonderful.”

Hey, guess what–the grass IS greener on the other side–but ONLY because it happens to be over the septic tank!

#6 - Money

I have seen more couples have the dumbest arguments over money.  A couple will “fall in love” with each other and then “fall in love” with stuff, thus going out and accumulating debt in massive amounts so that they can have in three years what it took their parents 30 years to accumulate!

If a couple isn’t doing the budget thing and having honest discussions about financial priorities–it WILL wreak havoc on the marriage.

#7 - Church/Godly Influences Are Pushed Out Of Their Lives

I’ve seen it so many times…a couple will be doing wonderful…involved in church, establishing solid friendships–until, one of them (usually the man) gets “busy” with work…the lady tries to hang in there without him for a while–but eventually become discouraged and gives up.  Next thing you know they have absolutely NOTHING in common & wind up being strangers sleeping in the same bed.

There is something absolutely amazing about connecting on a spiritual level–going to church and praying together, having godly friends that will encourage and support you.  I know that this is HUGE for ‘Cretia and I!  I just don’t think we were called to do life along.  (Hebrews 10:24-25.)

This is taken from the same site as the previous post.  Some very serious things to think about before you get a divorce. 

Are Adults also harmed by divorce?

Yes, in the vast majority of cases, according to Dr. Wallerstein:
 

1. In two-thirds of the former couples, one partner is unhappy, lonely, anxious, depressed and financially precarious ten years after the divorce.
2. In 25% of the couples, both former partners are worse off, suffering from loneliness and depression.
3. In only 10% of the cases do both former partners reconstruct happier, fuller lives after a decade.
    

What percent of second marriages fail?

Sixty percent. So how long are people who are initially happy after a divorce, and remarry, remaining happy? There are no greener fields. We need to learn how to make the marriages we are in be successful.
 

Do divorced people live shorter lives?

Yes, divorced men are twice as likely as married men to die in a given year from heart disease, stroke, hypertension and cancer, four times more likely to die in auto accidents and suicide, and are seven times more apt to die from cirrhosis of liver and pneumonia. Divorced women are two to three times as likely to die of all forms of cancer as married women. The impact of divorce on health “is like starting to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day,” says Dr. David Larson, President of the National Institute for HealthCare Research.
 

The following information is taken from this website.  The statistics refer to the United States but no doubt can be applied to us who live in the UK. 

How many children live without their fathers, and what is the impact on children?

In 1960, 7 million children were living without their fathers. Today the number has soared to 24 million, according to the National Fatherhood Initiative. Nearly two-fifths of all kids live in homes without their father. Of those children, more than half have never been in their father’s home, and 40% have not seen them in at least a year. Never in the history of the world has there ever been such an abandonment of children by their fathers!

Impact Increases for Decades: Dr. Wallerstein recently re-interviewed children of divorce 25 years after the divorce. Her conclusion is chilling: “Adults get over divorce, but unlike adults, children’s suffering does not reach a peak at divorce. The impact increases over time, throughout the first three decades of life and in all developmental stages.”

The impact is calamitous:
 

1. Teen Suicide: As divorces tripled, teen suicide rates tripled. Broken homes contribute to three of four teen suicides and four of five psychiatric admissions.
2. Poverty: Many kids are pushed into poverty. Children whose fathers left experienced their 1985 income fall from $2,435 a month to $1,543 four months later, a 37% drop. Since 1970, child poverty grew by 42 percent. Isabel Sawhill, of the Urban Institute says, “The rapid growth in the number of children living in single-parent families can explain virtually all of the growth in poverty among children since 1960.”
3. Out-of-Wedlock Births: Children growing up with only one parent — compared to kids with both parents — are three times more likely to have a child out of wedlock, 2.5 times more likely to be teen parents, and twice as likely to drop out of school or become delinquent.
4. Prison: Of juveniles or young adults serving in long-term correctional facilities, 70% did not live with both parents when they were growing up.
5. Future Divorce: When children of divorce marry, they are much more likely to experience divorce themselves. Why? “They more often escalate conflict and reduce communication” with a spouse than those from intact homes.

Are children harmed by divorce?

Yes, profoundly. Dr. Judith Wallerstein, who tracked 60 divorcing families for 25 years, writes in Second Chances: Children feel intensely rejected when their parents divorce: “He left Mom. He doesn’t care about me.”

Dr. Wallerstein was “surprised to discover that the severity of a child’s reaction at the time of the parents’ divorce does not predict how that child will fare five, ten and even fifteen years later….Girls seem to fare much better psychologically than boys. A sleeper effect in females surfaced of troubles they are experiencing now at entrance into young adulthood (which) came as a complete surprise. Girls who have never been betrayed or abandoned by a lover fear betrayal and abandonment…Many find maladaptive ways to cope. Some take many lovers at one time. Others seek out older men who are less likely to betray a younger woman.” Many cohabit rather than wait for engagement.

“Ten years after divorce, close to one-half of the boys (now 19-29 years old) are unhappy, lonely, and have few, if any lasting relationships with women…One out of three young men and one of ten young women between the ages 19 and 23 at the ten year mark are delinquent, meaning they act out their anger in a range of illegal activities including assault, burglary, arson, drug dealing, theft, drunk driving, and prostitution,” wrote Dr. Wallerstein.

Even 25 years after their parents’ divorce, their adult children say, “My childhood ended with my parents’ divorce.” Of the 60 fathers, 57 remarried and stopped child support when their children reached 18. Few of the children attained college or graduate education of their affluent fathers. (However, fathers underwrote the college education costs of their stepchildren and their children from a second marriage but rarely their own children from a first marriage.) Most of those offspring had difficulty bonding to someone of the opposite sex. There was much cohabitation and few lasting marriages.

Taken from this website.

Should “trial marriages” be called “trial divorces?”

Absolutely. Most cohabiting couples break up before marriage or afterwards. At least 40% of couples living together do not marry. “Marriages that are preceded by living together have 50 percent higher disruption (divorce or separation) rates than marriages without premarital cohabitation” according to the University of Wisconsin’s National Survey of Families and Households. Instead of half of marriages ending in divorce, 75% do so. Thus, out of 100 cohabiting couples, 40 break up before the wedding, but of the 60 who do marry, 45 will divorce within ten years. That leaves only 15 intact couples after a decade. Few who live together seem to know the odds of failure. In John 4, Jesus was critical of the woman at the well who was living with a man who was not her husband. Here is secular evidence he was right. Yet have you ever heard a sermon on cohabitation?

Statistics taken from this website.

I read the following and thought it was very important for us as a church in a society where living together before marriage is very common.  Please understand that this is posted not as an attack but rather as a word of truth given in love. 

Decades of high divorce rates have given rise to a generation of young adults who fear marriage. In response, the statistics show that many now live together to test their compatibility. Since 1960, America has witnessed a 12-fold increase in cohabitation from 430,000 couples to 5.4 million couples. At the same time, there’s been a 50 percent plunge in the marriage rate, along with rising numbers of out-of-wedlock births.

Many of those 5.4 million couples, along with their friends and neighbors, still believe the enduing myth that cohabitation works as a sort of trial marriage. In reality, cohabitation often becomes a trial divorce. The only question is whether couples will split before or after their wedding. About 45 percent of cohabitating couples undergo what we call a “premarital divorce,” which can be as painful as the real thing. The half who make it to the altar are about 50 percent more likely to divorce than those who lived apart prior to marrying. In the end, as few as 15 of every 100 couples who cohabit go on to create a lasting marriage.

By contrast, a woman who lives with a man is three times more likely to be physically abused than a married woman. If a cohabitating couple breaks up, the woman is then 18 times more likely to be harmed than a married woman. In addition, infidelity for cohabiting men is four times that of married men; for cohabiting women, infidelity is eight times more likely.

Paul wrote, “Test everything. Hold onto the good. Avoid every kind of evil” (1 Thess. 5:21-22). About two-thirds of married couples now cohabit before marriage, and every study on the arrangement shows that cohabitation is detrimental. Churches, which still perform the vast majority of marriages in the U.S., are too often mute on the subject, marrying couples without comment on their living arrangements. The good news is that we can do better.

Congregations can train mentor couples to inform cohabiting couples about the risks they are inviting into their relationship. These mentors need to be able to administer premarital inventories to help couples identify their relationship’s strengths and opportunities for growth. Mentors can teach couples how to resolve conflict in a mutually respectful way. They can also earn couples’ trust and encourage them to separate to reduce their challenges and increase their relationships’ chances of success.

About 800,000 couples take a premarital inventory every year, a tenth of whom decide not to marry. They often have the same scores as those who marry and divorce; thus, they’ve avoided a bad marriage before it began.

My wife, Harriet, and I run a ministry called Marriage Savers that trains mentor couples in principles of healthy marriages and equips them to administer inventories. We encourage mentors to talk through all 150 statements on these inventories, which generally requires six sessions of more than two hours each. We envision the marital wisdom of one generation being passed on to the next.

Our results speak for themselves. Of the 288 couples that our mentors have prepared for marriage during the past decade, 55 decided not to marry. Typically, only 1 percent of couples split during premarital counseling, so a 19 percent breakup rate is huge — and encouraging. Because of the 233 couples who did go on to marry, only seven have divorced or separated. Suffice it to say that a 97 percent success rate significantly beats the national average.

According to David Popenhoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, the underlying reason for the rise in cohabitation is a lack of male commitment to marriage. They write, “Men experience few social pressures to marry, gain many of the benefits of marriage by cohabiting with a romantic partner, and are ever more reluctant to commit to marriage in their early adult years.”

Indeed, men and women enter into cohabitation for radically different reasons. Men cohabit for easy availability of sex and shared living expenses. Women do so as a step toward marriage. What few understand is that cohabitation increases the odds that they will never marry—or that they will divorce, if they do marry. You can’t practice permanence.

As we note in our new book, Living Together, we now know unequivocally that cohabitation doesn’t work. Churches — the gatekeepers of weddings — can delay no longer. They must educate, equip, and elevate marriage to the position of honor it deserves. Organized religion has unwittingly contributed to America’s high divorce and rising cohabitation rates. But it can become the architect of a new culture that honors marriage once again.